House of Being Logical
by spinmearound
Summary: Americans are just stupid, anyway.  Or, Joy makes many evil plans
1. evil is love

Once upon a time, Joy was being evil.

She was being really evil because Fabain wouldn't make out with her.

And also because Stella-from that band Lemon Month or whatever it was called. It was from _America. _Joy hated stuff from America. Like Nina. And bands like that.- decided to get preggers, and everyone was making a big deal about it. Which distracted her from important things like murdering Nina. That was her job. Well, that and hooking up with Mick. But she was in an evil mood, not a Mickish mood. He ate so many bananas anyway.

Being evil was more fun.

Joy sat around Anubis House, plotting evil ways to be evil and kill Nina, along with all Americans. She turned on some music and sang along sadly. Then, she ate some icecream. She was really heartbroken, but she had been replaced, so no one really cared.

They were so over her.

They all liked stupid American stuff.

They used to only like Twilight, which she actually liked, but now they all liked everything.

Then, Joy came to an epiphany. America wasn't _evil, _it was her ticket to Fabian's heart! Her logic was this: Nina was American. Fabian liked Nina. If Joy acted American, he would like her, too, and probably better, since she was hotter. She decided to research American things by watching things like MTV and Glee.

She didn't know what channel MTV was, so she got a DVD of Glee from the store. She normally ordered DVDs in the mail, but she was embarrassed to be watching stupid American things. Besides, it was cheap because it was really old. It was called 'Journey to Sectionals' or something like that and only had thirteen episodes on it. She decided to watch it while Patricia was off flirting with teachers or whatever and everyone else was busy fawning over Nina as always. After she watched the whole DVD, she realized two things- Americans sang a lot, and popular girls often got pregnant.

Then, Joy finally found the channel for MTV. She saw a show on it called 'Teen Mom.' Joy realized that all cool Americans always got pregnant, and wondered why Nina wasn't. It was probably because Nina wasn't a cool American. Joy resolved to get pregnant and become the British, hot version of a cool American. Thus started her evil plan to make out with Fabes.


	2. like a prankster

Joy was thinking up the details of her evil plan, when Mick walked in. He was munching on a granola bar. Joy wondered if he ever stopped eating.

"Hey, Joy, what's up?" he asked

She didn't say anything, not wanting him to know of the plan.

He wasn't the smartest, but he did room with Fabian, and would tell him her plan.

And then it would be ruined.

She decided to take action on her plan without letting it be known, and asked Mick a question.

"Laundry room?" she whispered.  
>He shook his head no. "Fabian said he was going to the 'Room of Requirement.'"<p>

So, her evil plan to seduce Mick failed because the American just had to give the laundry room a stupid name. What was the requirement? Making out? Trudy was so gonna catch them. She was trying to carry out an evil plan and act like a cool American here. The stupid American and her stupid names were really not helping.

She needed to make this work while Mick was upset. The only girls he actually liked had decided they liked pranksters now. So, while his exes were on a double date with Jerome and Alfie at Jerome's Pizza Palace- she wasn't sure why Jerome had a pizza place, but he did- where he was banned, he would probably listen to her more easily. And she needed to get pregnant so that she could be a cool American and Fabian would like her. He would have to like her if she somehow convinced him he was the dad, and she planned to figure out a way to do that. She just thought her plan would be easier if she could get Mick to cooperate. Without him knowing what she was cooperating in. And then she could go clubbing with Patricia and figure out the rest of the plan. She wondered if Patricia was having fun flirting with teachers, still, because she had been gone forever. Then, Joy shrugged at Mick. She wanted her plan to work, and she wanted it to work now. So, she kissed him.

After hooking up with Mick-on the floor, stupid American!-Joy decided to take a shower.

Then, she watched some rom-coms on DVD.

She waited a bit for Patricia to come back, but she was bored, so she went to prank the Laundry Room of Requirement or whatever it was called.

She stood on a chair, and found a way to climb into the room so that she was behind the washer without being squished. Fabian looked really hot, but she ignored that, because she was being evil. She took some of Mick's favorite cookies and smashed them all over the place. Then, she splashed water all over the floor so the room would flood, screaming really loudly, "IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DROWNED ON FRIDAY!"

Then she ran away really fast. Nina and Fabian started screaming, and she laughed.

Then, through the window, she noticed Patricia was outside the ran outside and grabbed Patricia, getting ready to go clubbing. It was part of the plan; they wouldn't go clubbing at a club, just at Anubis and Trudy had disappeared for some reason, so they could do whatever they wanted to. So, she grabbed Patricia and they went to get lots and lots of alcohol, so that they could get everyone drunk, and make them all really confused.

The plan was officially a go.


	3. up in the club

Joy came back from getting lots of alcohol for the in-house clubbing to Amber throwing a fit in the living room. Amber was yelling at Alfie. Apparently, he had got pizza all over her favorite new dress and thought it was really funny. Amber really like her clothes, and didn't think it was funny at all. While she screamed at him, Alfie was just staring blankly at her. He started humming, probably composing a rap in his head. Then, Alfie stood up and started acting like he thought he was gangster, even though he so wasn't.

"Amber,

You may think I'm a rambler,

But I'm sorry for spilling pizza on you.

You think it's gross like alien goo.

Word."

Alfie's rap was really dumb, so everyone started laughing at him. Jerome flashed him the 'Loser' sign. Amber looked really mad, and grabbed a banana out of Mick's hand. She smashed the banana in Alfie's face.

"That was a dumb rap! We're over!" screamed Amber, grabbing Nina's hand and dragging her out of the house, mumbling something about shopping.

Joy took this as a good thing. Nina's absence meant she had some time to flirt with Fabian, the very thing she lived for. Well, besides for being evil. So, the other thing she lived for that wasn't being evil. She thought it would be good if she could start the clubbing now, and get him drunk before the American got back and ruined the plan by being uber protective or some chiz.

Joy stood on top of a chair.

"OKAY EVERYONE, CLUBBING TIME!" she screamed, and started dancing wildly.

Everyone besides Patricia just stared at her, until she turned on some music.

Then, Mick stated dancing really badly, and Jerome started booty shaking.

Alfie, looking kind of sad about being dumped went to his room to put some kind of costume on.

Joy handed everyone some beer, and sand along really loudly to "Like a G6." Everyone took some, but they didn't drink. She had to reassure them that is was totally yummy. Then, everyone got really drunk.

By the time Nina and Amber got back from shopping, everyone was so uncoordinated that they were all tripping all over the place. Nina looked worried, and Amber looked confused. Joy told the stupid party poopers that they were clubbing and they better get drunk and dance.

Then, she decided to play Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare.

First, you would spin the bottle and kiss whoever it landed on. Then, whoever it landed on could dare or ask a truth to the person who spun it. They would go in turns of the spinner clockwise in a circle.

Jerome got to go first, and the bottle landed on Nina. He started laughing, and she looked really grossed out, which was probably because she was still sober and he was really really drunk. They kissed for .000001 seconds. Then, she asked him who he liked because she was a stupid American and they always ask that if you pick truth. He said Mara, and started making out with her. Joy had to punch Mara in the face because it was her turn next and everyone was getting bored. She needed everyone to be drunk. She was really good at planning while still drunk herself, but the game needed to continue.

So, Mara spun the bottle and it landed on Mick. Amber looked like she was about to punch someone in the face, which Amber didn't normally do, even though Joy did it all the time. Mick kissed Mara ad Amber acted bratty. Then, Mick dared Mara to eat 10 gallons of ice cream, so Mara went to get a carton to eat out of and started working on the dare.

Patricia spun the bottle next, and it landed on Joy. Joy, being evil, tried to run away, but the rules were the rules. Joy asked Patricia if it was fun flirting with teachers and Patricia dumped water on Joy's head, even though they were best friends. Patricia never actually answered the question.

Next, it was Joy's turn to spin, and she spun it so that it would land on Fabian. It did, so she started to make out with him, but he pushed her away, and Nina looked really mad.

Then, she decided she was tired of this game, so she ran upstairs before anyone could truth or dare her and find about her evil plan. While upstairs, she locked Nina and Amber's room and threw the key out the widow, then climbed out the window onto a tree like a ninja and got down to the ground. She grabbed the key and buried it. Then she went and stayed in a hotel, using a credit card she had found on Amber's vanity. She couldn't believe Amber had two now, since before her dad almost took the first one away, but maybe he had gotten richer.

So, Joy could spend all of Amber's money. She was friends with the dumb American! She hooked her up with Fabian!

Amber had become an evil traitor!


	4. of evil plans & doctor who

The next morning, Joy woke up in the hotel.

She decided that it would be a good time to continue on with her evil plan, and get a pregnancy test.

No one could know of her evil plan so she had to act like she was panicked, but still a cool American. She was actually from England, but who cared about little details like that in an evil plan? She ran to the nearest drug store and bought a random pregnancy test. She paid for it with Amber's credit card. When Amber's dad got the bill, he would be really mad. That would be good payback for being a traitor.

Then, she went back to Anubis House, making sure no one saw her.

She figured that Amber and Nina were probably really mad at her, considering she had locked them out of their room. They had probably stayed in Fabian ad Mick's room for the night- she wondered what kind of development this had for Amber and Mick, since Amber seemed to still like him. That was too bad for Alfie, she guessed, since that meant that Amber had never really liked him.

Joy tiptoed down the hallway and into the bathroom. She would have to make this semi-obvious after this secretive stuff. She took out the test and peed on the stick which was really gross and icky and she wanted to kill someone. Then she had a Pregnancy Test Dance Party while she was waiting. Then she looked at the test. It was positive so she was really excited and danced around. Then, she left the test on the top of the trashcan and went outside of the room looking all sad.

She snuggled up against some super-soft cushions on the couch and watched some TV. She was in the middle of Doctor Who when Amber stumbled out of Mick and Fabian's room with her hair all messed up. She went to the bathroom.

Joy was thinking about River and Melody being the same person when she heard Amber shriek.

Amber was babbling on and on about the trashcan and finding the test. Then, everyone ran into the living room flipping out.

Joy, playing the role of being ashamed, as it was all part of the plan, decided to distract everyone.

"Hey Amber, hook up with Mick last night?" she asked.

Alfie glared and Amber and Mick turned red, mumbling something about locked doors and that being mean.

Then, they remembered why they were in the room in the first place. Jerome stood up, adjusting his tie and asked everyone who was pregnant. Joy looked down at her lap, mumbling. She raised her hand slowly, still trying to look upset.

"Me," she said sadly, "And Fabian's the dad."

He totally wasn't, but she hoped they would be gullible. They were all like "But Fabian's dating Nina!" and screaming at her. She did what she did best, way better than Nina 'bowling' Martin, or Mara with her moles or whatever they were, lied.

"At the clubbing party, we were drunk" she stated.

Everyone freaked out, then, and eventually left. She figured Jerome was bored; he looked like he really wanted someone to shut up.

Alfie only cared about aliens, and was singing Katy Perry's ET.

Mick and Amber disappeared again.

Nina and Fabian were glaring at her.

Nina started blab la bla-ing about how she wasn't drunk at the clubbing party and how that totally didn't happen. Joy punched her in the face.

Fabian shrugged at her, and picked Nina up, laying her on the couch, and saying that Joy better get the stupid room key, and that they all knew she took it. Joy just stared back at the TV, wondering when Doctor Who had ended. It probably was during all the arguing. Then she glared at Fabian.

Her evil plan was so not working yet. She'd have to work harder; make him feel really guilty.

She turned the volume up on the television, and started to think as hard as she could.

Her mind almost exploded.


	5. got a secret, can you keep it?

**AN: So sorry for not updating sooner! HOA coming back gave me inspiration, though.**

* * *

><p>The days following Joy's big reveal were stressful at the least.<p>

Nina wouldn't say a word to anyone, Fabian seemed extremely confused, and everyone else spent their days alternating between their normal activities and glaring at Joy.

If Joy had been a bit nicer; if it had been a brighter day; if a new romantic comedy had come out on DVD; she would have given up the scheme for the fact that even she had emotions sometimes. She was borderline neutral to any feelings that came her way, but sometimes there were inexplicable moments of humanity mixed in with her evil streak.

She could love Fabian, be best friends with Patricia, and be civil to everyone else in the house when really she felt like she had been replaced. She wanted to be the one with Fabian, the one everyone liked, not the one everyone glared at.

She wasn't sure if her evil plan was working to her advantage. She was sitting here, with everyone mad at her. And Mick would find out eventually that it was his baby. She was sure of it. He was dumb, but not as dumb as Amber, or that Finn Hudson dude from her Glee DVDs. He knew they had hooked up.

While Joy was pondering all these things, Nina came into the room. Everyone perked up. She looked sad, but she had a bit of a mischievous glint in her eyes. She suggested a group of Never Have I Ever to the group, who loved games. Joy tried to run upstairs to hack Victor's Facebook- he was still away, and he had probably forgotten to log off on his computer. However, Nina insisted that she played and everyone was surrounding her. She resolved to just lie if anything came up that would make her sound suspicious.

The game started out easily with a stupid question. "Never Have I Ever….kissed anyone?" said Nina, and they all took a piece of candy from the pile that was there.

Then, Nina asked a important question. "Never have I ever…lied about who I hooked up with."

She looked straight at Joy. No one moved, obviously not having done that. Joy had. She was cooler than all of them, she was sure of it. She almost took a handful of candy to prove her coolness, but then remembered that no one could find out.

When the game was over, she lay on the couch, not able to sleep.

She was restless; a bit nostalgic, and thinking about her plan and its evil possibilities. It wasn't all that bad, really, for her. If it worked out, she had what she wanted. The problem was that if it didn't, she'd be stuck with a baby. Though she could always give it up, she wouldn't have gained anything from making this happen anyway.

She sighed, flipping on Doctor Who, her new favorite show, and watched it until she fell asleep.

The next day, she decided to get pranky and started singing a song called "The Joke Is On You," as she pranked everyone.

She destroyed almost all of the rooms in the house.

Then, she hid in the woods.


End file.
